New Engineer Shopping Guide

Congratulations! You just got hired! Your parents are proud, Grandma is proud, even your deadbeat cousins are impressed*. Stick your chest out young man/lady. You've earned it.

*However, fellas, that girl from high school.... you know, the one who dated only losers?..... Remember how you told yourself she would come crawling back to you once you started making "the big bucks?"..... she isn't impressed and has forgotten all about you.

Now, I know you want to go to straight to Staples and buy t-squares, TI-89's and engineering scales, but let me, and engineer that has been in the world for a while, save you a lot of time and money. I'll break down what you need and what you don't need.

Things you don't need:

1.) Graphing calculator. All engineers love their calculators. They all have stories about the time their TI-89 saved them on a Calc III exam. (i.e. "If my calculator hadn't been able to take a double trigonometric integral in radians I totally wouldn't have passed.) In college, our calculator is our lifeline. Our one hope and lone friend in a tough exam. Newly hired engineers usually have a special place reserved in their heart for their HP 50g or TI-83+. I know I did.

However, in real world engineering, you will most likely never see an integral or derivative. You will not be calculating interest or probability. You will not be graphing functions of Y or any other letter for that matter. Many of the engineers that I respect do amazing work on calculator with a 10-digit display. If you have plus, minus, times, divide and square root function, you can solve 99% of your problems. My advice? Use that crappy calculator they were giving out at the career fair. Save your money.

2.) Drawing tools. I know you envision yourself bent over a set of plans late at night... clear green visor on your head, compass in one hand, t-square in the other, cigarette dangling from your lips. This is all Ayn Rand's fault. (You know you read half of The Fountainhead.) She put it in our heads that this is what people in the architecture and engineering fields look and act like.

In real life, you will need a straight edge and a pen. Any straight edge will work. Any pen will work. Most likely they will both be provided by the company.

Welcome to the 21st century. All drafting is digital and soon you it will be second nature. Little by little I find that the concept of "pencil and paper" is becoming more foreign to me.

3.) A new wardrobe. I fell into this money-sink myself. You think that now that you have a REAL job, you need professional clothes. You go buy slacks and have them custom fitted for you by a tailor. You buy a random assortment of colored ties because "you want to impress your boss." Then your first day of work arrives.... you have carefully primped yourself and put on the outfit that inspires confidence... you are ready to impress the crap out of every one.... and then you walk into your office and the PE with 10 years of experience is wearing jeans and a stained polo. What the.....? You just spent $500 on clothes that will make you seem incredibly over-dressed.

My advice: When interviewing the question of office attire will inevitably come up. Take whatever he/she says and dress one step below it. In reality, most managers don't care about your attire all that much as long as you don't dress like a hobo in front of a client.

Now for the things your DO need.

1.) Some sort of mirror or object with a reflective surface. All cubicles are set up so that anyone can walk up behind you and see what your are working on while you are oblivious to their presence. The only defense you have against the unexpected-boss-pop-in-while-you-were-checking-Woot is advance warning. Place the mirror or other reflective object on top of your monitor so that you know who's behind you at all times.

2.) ONE interesting knick-knack. Notice that I put the word "one" in all caps. It is important that you only have one because any more than that and it looks like you play with toys all day. The single knick-knack has only one purpose: Breaking the ice with a senior manager, firm principal or vice-president that happens to mosey through your office.

Face it, we all want to move up in the world and we all know that it's not about what you know, it's who you know. Here's how it works. Big boss guy walks by your cube, asks about knick-knack. You have a short conversation and then BAM! He remembers your name at the company Christmas party and forgets the names of all the other schlubs you work with.

That's it. That's all you need. Everything else is either superfluous or unnecessary. Now go get 'em tiger!